Why A Mother Is Never Fully Listening To You

You may have noticed, especially if you are married to one, that a mother is (most of the time) not fully listening to you. If you try talking to her when the kids are around you will notice that she rarely keeps eye contact with you. She probably nods her head and makes “mm-hmm” noises as you are telling her a story, all the while her eyes are darting all over the place like a wide-eyed eagle. You are in the middle of saying something really significant (well, as far as you’re concerned) when out of nowhere she suddenly yells “Tom, put that down!” or “Sarah, take that out of your mouth!”, as you are mid-sentence. Then she will turn back to you and say something like “Sorry, what were you saying?…” and you will get then to resume your conversation for another little while. 

The Perils Of Being A Mother

I know this can be extremely frustrating at times, especially if you are the spouse of one of these people. And the reason I know this so well is because I do it myself all of the time. But there is a truly legitimate reason for this behaviour and one that despite your best efforts you cannot fight against and that is that this person is a mother. And once you become a mother, you basically stop listening. All you can hear after your children are born are your children and everything after that is just background noise.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

I know this drives my husband particularly crazy at times because he can be right in the middle of telling a story (and I swear I am trying to pay attention to him), but as he is talking I can feel my ears cocking up and my eyes starting to move. They are moving sideways into the living room because I have heard a noise coming from the couch. Someone is standing on the arm of the sofa and they are about to leapfrog off it. I am nodding as he is talking, trying to look as if I am hearing everything he is saying but I am sitting perched on the edge of my chair, head-turning ever so slightly to the side, eyebrows raised and eyes widening and then suddenly I pounce – “Eve, get down off that sofa now before you fall!” Then I turn back to him as he stops and stares blankly at me, stunned, waiting and wondering if it is now safe to continue the conversation. I give him the apologetic look and the nod to say that it is ok to keep going. 

How Do You Switch It Off?

I know he gets annoyed with me at times but I can’t help it. I don’t know how to switch it off. And the funny thing is I have often been in the company of some of my own friends who are mothers and they do exactly the same thing to me when I am talking. The only difference is I have more patience because I understand where it is coming from. My husband is struggling to understand at times because he cannot get his male brain around why I am permanently switched on, because it doesn’t just go on throughout the day – I bring it to bed with me at night. I lie there deep in thought, examining the events of the day, considering what harmful situations they have encountered today and what I can do differently tomorrow to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. And as I lie there engrossed in my own maternal thoughts he will turn to me and utter those unavoidable words – 

“You’re thinking about them again aren’t you?”

 

“Yes,” I reply meekly. What is the point in lying? Since I’ve given birth to them I haven’t thought of much else. It is a mind that keeps on whizzing, only stopping for short intervals each night to sleep and to eat meals.

So time for the burning question – can you switch it off??

Well truthfully, no. We pretend to our partners sometimes that we can because we know they desperately want us to, but no, the honest truth is our minds are almost always on our children. My daughters are currently 9, 7 and the twins are 3. So give me about sixteen years or so. Then you will have my undivided attention. I promise…